Terms of Endearment

Hugs are rare these days. In a new world of social distancing, we measure our affections and some of us are having to recalculate our love language.

 Words, not hugs, are my love language to others...not often spoke, more often written. On the flipside, I'm not much of a hugger though I'm more than happy to receive hugs...which is a misunderstanding in itself. People equate non-huggers as being anti-hugging when it usually means that we aren't comfortable initiating hugs, not that we don't like receiving them.

And so it goes. So much misunderstanding in the world.

One would think that sharing words of affirmation would break the ghostly void we live in. In a world of social media there are lots and lots of words out there. Yet I find myself in midlife, very sensitive to the silence of affirming words.  In a world where words are used to slice and dice and snark reigns clever, when did it become so uncomfortable to write something nice about someone you love and for another to accept it with humble appreciation? Do we unknowingly harbor that much pride about ourselves? My words haven't always been received the way I intended them and seldom have I received words of affirmation in return. I've come to not expect them because words, incredibly, make people uncomfortable. Really, yes. You'd be surprised how I've been misunderstood, chided, corrected, and scoffed at over terms of endearment I only wrote for the good. I've removed whole blog posts over upset feelings...even when things were written in admiration. I've almost quit writing birthday posts on social media because of the discomfort family members feel over my words. And then some of my children told me they missed my yearly posts and encouraged me to dust my blog off.  I opened blogger last night I realized I hadn't shared anything here in over a year. With more babies added to our family, life has gotten extra busy (and I rely on FB for my photo storage) but I also know there are so many unrecorded joyful occassions I haven't shared here and I kind of miss the haven of affirmation my blog had become in the past. It's a silence I've created...through my fault, through my fault, through my most grievous fault...all because I allowed my pride to be hurt. And that's where I've fallen into the pitiful sin of pride myself.

In a world void of hugs and engulfed with useless words, I opened social media on my birthday and was reminded that even if those terms of endearment make one uncomfortable, they are still meant to be given. They certainly should to be offered. If another is offended then you humbly apologize and do you, and let them do them. One is not responsible for the emotions, feelings, and reactions of others. 

Despite the misunderstandings, I suspect people need both...the hugs and the words. Our pride keeps us from admitting it. The same way hugs make some people feel awkward, so do words. And I've learned...rather than take it personally and defensively...I must respect their comfort zones and dignity if I expect people to respect mine.

Still words (like hugs) matter and they matter more so as you grow older. About the time I stopped writing affirmative posts, I began to sense my need for those words. I was drying up, feeling unappreciated, feeling like a lost voice in a swamp of wotds. 

I often have to do an abrupt stop and ask my own children "Do you need anything? How are you doing? Are your needs being met?" 

When we rush...and I am a rusher...we miss things. We've been rushing through life for far too long.

 I struggled over whether to share these sweet affirming birthday messages from my girls this year and, in the end, decided I should. They were shared publically anyway and I want to keep them always even if it's just to refer back to them during the times I feel I have failed they children or not been there enough for them. In a large family it's hard to be there for everyone and many needs get overlooked. I'm one person and I don't do a perfect job and any grandparent will tell you that there is always someone feeling slighted. 

To read these girls' words and know they appreciate the little bits of time I afford them despite my weaknesses and flaws...perhaps because of those very things...renews me. Words! It was the best birthday gift they could have given me. I needed their affirmation because life is hard and words and hugs renew our resolve to live more abundantly.

And because...years from now...I'll look back and think how doggone lucky I was to do the Quarantine 2020 with such affirming people in my life.

Go ahead and affirm someone...even if someone else feels slighted. And if no one is affirming you, then you take the initiative. Go ahead and hug someone even if it makes them uncomfortable. I promise you...they are probably glad you took the first step.

Oh...and stay safe and WASH YOUR HANDS!